kannaophelia: (Default)
[personal profile] kannaophelia
 Gosh, it's been  long time since I updated. I guess Camille Bacon-Smith's much derided claim that fans filled tragic gaps in our lives with fannishness was true for me, at least: the happier and more fulfilled I am, the less I need the connection and distraction that were so vital to me in getting through difficult times in my life. My fannish participation now basically consists of fic exchanges. And Monster High, OMG, how did I resist that so long?

State of the Kanna: WONDERMOUS.  I enjoy life immensely. I enjoy parenting immensely. I look forward to every day.*

I am consciously joyful in my parenting, which comes down to choices in how to react, I think. If I catching myself thinking a mess is going to be a bother, or toddler demands are difficult or boring, I find it very easy to switch focus to just how cute the Cai baby is, how much he's learning by exploring and making messes and trying out his power and emotions, and joy--and patience-- return immediately. Izzy and I are also good at  not saying No without considering if it's possible to say Yes.  It sounds squishy, but it's true, and I take real pride in how many people exclaim over how clever, how cute, how friendly and well-behaved, adventurous, energetic and sweet natured our boy is. He's really special, obviously, objectivily the best child ever to exist *g*, but I also think it's contributed to by the fact that he has two pretty great mothers who keep our focus on him.

I also am loving the relaxed pace of life as a stay at home parent. It's not that life isn't busy and full of jobs: it is. But it also means that if I am on my way to a train or bus or tram or the local shops (I don't drive any more) and Cai spots a playground he wants to try, I can stop and play with him as long as he wants. If I don't actually get the shopping I meant to do done because Cai wanted to play with the other kids at the soft play at the shopping mall for ages,or if I don't make it to my destination, that's okay, too. We have time to stop and smell the roses.

I write, I read, I draw, I game, I make my own games (only one, a Long Live the Queen Ren'Py fan game for Yurifest, finished so far),  I study online in a random assortment of areas for the sheer fun and challenge of it, I explore my city and, most of all, I play with and snuggle with my kid. I have early mornings, weekends and evenings with my true love. I spend time with the rest of my family.  What an amazing life.

A big part of deciding to home school is wanting Cai to have this relaxed, unstructured life and richness of time for as long as possible. He learns so much every day (and I freely admit to having turned into one of Those Moms who Pinterests sensory and educational activities and loves to adapt them and  try them out... to Cai's enthusiastic delight, I might add) without structure or coercion, and I want him to keep that joy and choice in learning over the next few years

I love that he might spend a huge part of the day outside on his slippery dip and with his ball and water table and cats, but that he is also allowed to play video games (seriously, he is a twenty month old Tekken prodigy and he has a deep love for educational iPad apps and Rhythm Thief) whenever and as much as he likes. Or play with his blocks, or his dolls, or play dough, or crayons, or puzzles, or "cook", or be read to, or help me to sweep and wipe, or dance to the Wiggles, or marathon Peppa Pig, or just cuddle. Having unrestricted access to everything, including screen time, seems to lead to balance, not bingeing...  just like the radical parenting texts I read claim. It's great. And precious. And not  to be knocked out of him by school and over-scheduling and peer pressure.

tl;dr, but once I started writing, it kept happening!

Short version, I'm very happy indeed, and so is the rest of my little family.

* I still have clinical depression, anxiety and OCD but on the other hand, I have a happy life filled with sunshine. Not as contradictory as it sounds. My life is wonderful , fascinating and deeply fulfilling, but I don't think I will ever be free of psychiatric drugs, I need to keep being mindful, and I am far too easily triggered into self-hating meltdowns. But not of this overbalances the utter amazingness that is my life. I wish I could go back in time and tell Sad!Kanna what her life is going to be like once Izzy and Cai are with her.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-09 12:26 am (UTC)
sarajayechan: oh yeah Chiho Saito was soooo anti-girls' love (Utena/Anthy)
From: [personal profile] sarajayechan
Kanna! :D Long time no hear! I'm glad to hear you and the family are doing well, motherhood seems to suit you. <3

And I know clinical depression and anxiety. Since I finally graduated from college I've been dealing with both quite a bit! I'm glad to hear they're not outweighing the good stuff, though.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-09 02:14 am (UTC)
sarajayechan: art &hearts; http://dekoart.tumblr.com/ (Sully/Sumia)
From: [personal profile] sarajayechan
Ah, yes, I did send you one a while ago. :D I almost forgot, it's not always easy keeping track of PMs!

Cymbalta and Xanax help take the edge off, and so does distracting myself. And hopefully if I get the library job I applied for, I'll feel more like I've got some direction in life.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-09 01:34 am (UTC)
st_aurafina: lotsa little rainbow hearts (hearts: lotsa hearts)
From: [personal profile] st_aurafina
Oh, man, I can feel the joy radiating out of this post like sunshine. I'm so glad for you all!

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-09 02:50 am (UTC)
st_aurafina: lotsa little rainbow hearts (hearts: lotsa hearts)
From: [personal profile] st_aurafina
We are both well! Settling into a new house, figuring out which boxes are essential to unpack.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-09 03:01 am (UTC)
lilacsigil: 12 Apostles rocks, text "Rock On" (12 Apostles)
From: [personal profile] lilacsigil
I'm so happy for you! It's lovely to read this really joyful update.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-10 12:58 am (UTC)
mindsplinters: (golden hair)
From: [personal profile] mindsplinters
I love seeing you happy and content and joyful. You've gone through so much and worked so hard and continue to work hard. Brilliant, wonderful, talented lady. Love you. <3
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